Can't Miss Movie Pitches.

I just watched "Overnight", a documentary about "Boondock Saints" director Troy Duffy, his unprecedented screenplay sale to Miramax, his astounding assholishness and hubris, and his highly amusing and utterly total collapse. Duffy is revealed to be a racist, sexist, brain-dead, singularly narcissistic douchebag whose film aesthetic makes Quentin Tarantino look like Kurasowa in the maturity department. But also on display is the terrifying capriciousness of the film business, where Industry assassins grind up the hopes and dreams of countless would-be writers and directors and snort them off of the asses of transexual hookers. When Duffy goes before a group of film students at Boston University after Miramax has chewed him up, spit him out and placed a black mark on his film that makes it untouchable by all other studios, he tells them, basically, to give up. And as much as a scumfuck as he is, it's hard not to agree with him.

So I'm jettisoning any lingering dreams I may have had of becoming a film writer or director. And to show how serious I am, I'm putting my can't miss movie ideas, which I have guarded for years with a badger's tenacity, out onto the Internets for all to see. Let someone with a heart greater than mine take them to the City of Broken Dreams and spin this shit into gold. If you can make it through the Hollywood minefield intact, you're welcome to all the riches, glory, and candy-coated blowjobs you can get your hands on.

Super Awesome Mega Cool Movie Idea Number One:

Cool Runnings 4000: The year 4000: humans are an endangered species, refugees from a destroyed Earth who wander the galaxy, hunted by intergalactic bounty hunters. Humans haven't competed in the Universal Nuclear Winter Olympics in centuries. It's up to a motley band of Space Jamacians to enter the 2000 Light Year Rocket Bobsled competition. There's only one small problem...they don't know how to ride the rocket bobsled! They enlist the help of grizzled ex-rocket bobsled champ Nick Nolte, and the cryogenically frozen head of John Candy to train them. Will they win the Plutonium Medal away from the evil Robotic Rocket Bobsleds, who've won for five hundred consecutive Olympiads? Or will John Candy's thirst for human brains derail their chances?

Mega Awesome Super Cool Movie Idea Number Two:

Gay Midget-Palooza: The two biggest trends in young male comedy going, midgets and homosexuality, together at last! Throw in some full-grown tits, and it'll make Wedding Crashers numbers look like Arrested Development's viewership. Nick Nolte on his knees plays King TinyQueer the First.

Cool Super Mega Awesome Cool Movie Idea Number Three:

Blowjob: The Movie: It's a no-brainer: if people love the sex act, they'll love the film! Nick Nolte plays the penis.

Just you watch: some young go-getter with a spine, talent, vision, and the willingness to jettison all of those traits in a seconds notice for a single swipe at glory will turn these ideas into million-dollar pitches.