Tuesday, December 06, 2005

On Flanders Field...Santa bravely steps into battle.









Behold, the Great Christmas Douchebag!



Some more nonsense regarding the so-called war on Christmas.

As an employee of a nation-wide retail chain working during the "holiday" (yes, holiday: I am a Communist, after all) season, I'm in the trenches of this supposed battle, and have emerged from the fray with a few insights.

One of the chief complaints of "war on Christmas" douches is that big retailers are forbidding their employees from greeting customers with "Merry Christmas," and insisting on "Happy Holidays." I can tell you that my retailer, for one, has no announced policy about what the employees should say to the ill-tempered ass-baskets milling around the aisles like stunned beeves. I could say "Happy Kwaanza," and no one would probably notice.

Also, I've noticed that customers, obviously not bound by corporate policy to use one greeting over another, overwhelming prefer to say "Happy Holidays."

Now, maybe they've been brainwashed by the liberal shock-troops at the ACLU, but, the more I think about it, the more it occurs to me that "Happy Holidays" isn't just some craven PC invention meant to de-Christianize the month of December: it's actually a far superior greeting than "Merry Christmas" on the merits.

Does it really make sense to say "Merry Christmas" to someone on any day besides December 26th? "Christmas" refers to a single day, and telling someone to have a "merry" Christmas, means you're telling them to enjoy Christmas. What the fuck kind of sense does it make to tell someone to have a good December 26th on December 3rd? Think about it: Christmas is supposed to be Jesus's birthday. Would you say "Happy Birthday" to someone nearly a month before their actual birthday. No! Stupid!

Now, "Happy Holidays," in its non-specificity, covers a lot more ground, and, as such, makes more sense as a generic, seasonal greeting. You're acknowledging an extended, holiday-esque time frame, and enjoining those around you to share in the merriment: there's no pre-mature awkwardness.

Of course, while "Happy Holidays" has now been scientifically proven to be a superior seasonal greeting to "Merry Christmas," it's still not my preferred thing to say to people you meet during the month of December. That would be: "Fuck you."

3 Comments:

Blogger matthew christman said...

John: I am, indeed, moving back to Cream City in early Februrary. You better have a sexy, sexy whore ready for me when I get there. That, or a delicious baked good...with a sexy, sexy whore in it.

6:46 PM  
Blogger John M. said...

Here we prefer to say "exotic, sophisticated adult companion" rather than "sexy, sexy whore."

9:32 AM  
Blogger Robert J said...

Christmas is December 25th.

7:41 PM  

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