Friday, December 02, 2005

The War on Christmas

Last year, Fox News unvieled a genuis bit of misdirecting horseshit to distract and outrage their pudding-brained slackass viewers: the "war on Christmas." Supposedly, there was a nation-wide conspiracy of "secular" liberals bent on eliminating the very holiday of Christmas! The word itself was to be outlawed! Christmas trees would be burned in street by PC stormtroopers! Nativity scenes would be replaced by scenes of Sado-Maschocist sex acts involving the baby Jesus! It was a huge deal! Much more pressing an issue than piffle like the Iraq war. Now, mind you, the evidence for a war on Christmas pretty much boiled down to a few public nativity scenes being challenged in court, and a few private (PRIVATE) retailers having their employees say "Happy Holidays" to customers instead of "Merry Christmas."

This year, with Republicans in the midst of eating a gigantic, dripping, choleric, corn-and-potato-skin flecked shit sandwich on asiago cheese bread, there is an even more urgent push to get the rubes whipped up in defense of Jesus's birthday. One of Fox's anchor-douches, John Gibson (pasty-faced, bleach-blonded taint-licker that he is), has even written a book about the non-topic with the thunderingly original title "The War on Christmas." I'm sure it's filled with horrifying tales of retail clerks failing to acknowledge the reason for the season while ringing up some jagoff's Red Lobster gift certificates.

Now, it goes without saying that there isn't a plot to destroy Christmas. And that's what really pisses me off about this shit: O'Reilly and this Gibson pile are raving about a plot to end Christmas, and meanwhile, no actual left-wing commie pinko Christ-haters are actually trying to destroy Christmas. What the hell is wrong with you people?!? You all know what a boil on the ass of society Christmas has become! A month-long orgy of consumption and debt-accumulation, topped off by a night of awkward small talk and restrained animosity with ones family members. Fuck that noise. Let's start plotting to get rid of this shit! If the propaganda nozzle-heads are going to work themselves into a lather and bring the mass of perpetually-outraged red state proto-fascists to screaming orgasms of self-righteousness, we might as well give this whole "war on Christmas" thing a shot! C'mon, people, let's use the magic of Ye Olde Internets to bounce around a few ideas to get this idea off the ground. I've got a few ideas of my own already, which I hope to share soon enough.

3 Comments:

Blogger John M. said...

I guess what makes me angry is that most people who defend Christmas don't celebrate it because of the birth of their savior, as I do. They celebrate it because they are told to participate in a fierce battle of materialism and who-can-give-the-best-gift. I say fuck those who just want to shop, and leave me with my savior, even if that means it is not a national holiday any more.

11:21 PM  
Blogger matthew christman said...

The funniest thing about people who decry the commercialization and de-religiousization (not a word, by the way) of Christmas is when they blame it on some "liberal" conspiracy to destroy their holiday, because they can't confront the actual cause of the phenomenon: capitalism. The Christmas gift season single handedly keeps the retail industry alive, so it becomes crucial to the consumer economy to stress the material aspect of Christmas at the expense of the religious. After all, there really isn't anything inherent to the story of Christ's birth to make you run out and kick people in the teeth in order to get gift deals on Robot toys. Since Christmas has to appeal to the largest possible segment of society so that gift purchasing revenues can be maximized, the potentially divisive religious content has to be downplayed. Of course, so many so-called Christians in this country have fused Christianity with Free Market Capitalism in their minds, so the obvious culprit is never acknowledged. Instead, they have to fall back on an illogical, imaginary conspiracy of godless progressives. Anything to avoid the massive cognitive dissonance involved in similtaneously worshipping Christ and Mammon.

9:19 AM  
Blogger John M. said...

Hey, I hear you are returning to the Mill Town. Care to confirm or deny these rumors?

1:56 PM  

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